“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
The quote above holds true in my case. In the course of time i have encountered 'change' in its various forms. Over here, specifically, I am talking about changes that were initiated by me. When I was in school I wanted to follow my father’s footstep and dreamt of taking up a career as a ‘Chartered Accountant’. By 12th standard I was all set to follow my dreams that will add on to my imagination. A career which will be refreshing and creative. After getting into Ramjas college’s Literature course, life was smooth. In final year another dream popped up and I was to become a journalist.
I was dying to get into a communication school. The tension was mounting and then came IIMC. Everything seem to move in a flow, the way it should have been. There were highs and lows which made the ‘achieving’ bit a more exciting.
After IIMC, there was this new goal — to prove myself, to prove my worth infront of others. To put it in other words, it was to get that feel of ‘independence’, to show the world that the career I have chosen was worth all this.
The feel of getting the first pay check, to experience what it is to ‘earn’ all by your hardwork, to be ‘independent’. The first month at India Today was smooth and then came Covert. Life was just the way I wanted it, but still I was not happy. Was I asking for a bit too much? Was I wrong in all my decisions? Am I never satisfied? Or to put in the best words — Is this what I wanted?
Now, I have got through MA and my mind is swaying between the options of quitting the job or continuing with it. There are disjointed images which flash in my mind — the college fun, the zest of being a student and the challenges at workplace. Will I be considered a loser if I quit? Afterall, I can’t be a student all my life… Can I?
The other day I was in the park with a friend. I was cribbing about how I hated when Sundays ended. He said “I have no worries, for me every day is a Sunday”. I was prompt with a reply — “I will soon be independent and will then be in the same boat.” We both smiled but it left a weird feeling in my heart. This has not sunken down. I have, with time, changed the meaning of being ‘independent’ to suit my fancies.
Rather, it seems, I am on this selfish journey of insatiatable dreams and desires. They dont cease to exist. The way my dreams and goals have changed, I have lost trust in myself, the instability and variations have forced me to rethink. In my quest for everything. might end up doing nothing. The fear of the unkown takes over, as I embark on another dream. Hope I wake up on time, to find the real destination rather than ambivalent goals. Otherwise it might be too late.